Monday, September 12, 2011

Wow, someone did get mad re: my last post. Interesting. I can read em like a book. In any case, I have interest in my well being and the well being of others. A young man, staying where I'm at responds to internal stimuli by talking to himself endlessly, or someone else, but the psychosis is real and it is a serious illness. 4 a,m. often and this is why I am here trying to see if I can't get meds that work better and that can pull me out of depression. This young man walks for hours and sometimes grows very agitated at 4 a.m.. I too wake at 4 a.m. and worry with a series of rushing thoughts and severe migraines..Not sleeping for days causes problems. I know someone not sleeping now who is homeless and perfectly sane, but he needs to get rest soon I believe. Some ass possibly the judgmental type unsubscribed after the last post. Why? Christian huff n puff. Too personal? Not enough poetry? Stigma that equals ignorance? Hmmm. Well, I'm here and I'm going to keep posting the things that can help me get better, the things that cut through beyond nicey nicey collective networking because I am human and interested in what's going on with my life. That's what a blog is for, right? Besides, this may be my path or calling possibly. I'm not sure teaching is, though I'd take a shot at teaching poetry. Perhaps the fact I was on SSI when I was younger irritated some. Perhaps the fact that I'm receiving some disability made someone mad. So, someone wants to JUDGE. Possibly some activist. Hmmm. I think someone in this world is following me now about this sad hypocrisy. I have hope that Latino/a poetry, art and creativity in general doesn't need to be cut off from reality. I am writing poems about the young man above, about my own struggles with this illness, which may stay with me a long time or may finally subside to the point I can work again. And there's that slippery academic word. Reality or experience. I've already stated what I believe to be the case about that. If there's no reality, there's no need, no hunger, no sensory perception. I don't know. What is sanity after all? Is sanity really aiming high for a career as a poet? Is sanity really teaching too many classes to have time to write or breathe or love the daffodils and sunset? Is sanity really building an empire of Latino/a poets where some are excluded and mocked? Is sanity writing poems? Is sanity networking to the bone until there is no sinew, no blood, no muscle? Is sanity liking stuff on facebook quickly and simply moving on to the next like? I don't know what sanity is anymore, but I do know what insanity is: It's doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I'm changing my life.

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