Sunday, September 11, 2011

Just sent my review of ire'ne lara silva's FURIA to the EL PASO TIMES. Still getting my medication changed up, and the truth of the matter is I've been very down, down, down. I've lost one good friend, and my "career" isn't. So I'm tired of people judging me and thinking that they are superior. I am working hard and have apologized to everyone I can think of re: my actions in the past. There's nothing more I can do. I have to learn to love myself. I am praying U of AZ will like my manuscript, as I've decided after sending it to cut a few poems. Life is a series of let downs someone said. But I am plodding on and reading today, despite feeling negative. I left 100 YEARS OF SOLITUDE at the apartment, but I found a copy of PILGRIM AT TINKER CREEK by Annie Dillard, which I read in school many years ago. I suspect I will enjoy it more this time around. Fact is I have a lot of trouble reading and writing these days, but I am putting out book reviews, so the high and mighty careerists can bite me. This is more about some things that are beyond certain people's empathy. Fact is, I am fighting boredom. I've been denied a pass like three times because I am trying new meds, one is latuda , abilify (which I should get off of tomorrow as I believe they are making a mistake in giving it to me at this time), and lamictal for prozac propranolol, ambien and ativan, so I'm very bored and feeling cramped with like 7 other people here. I am posting this video because someone VERY JUDGMENTAL needs to try to "hear" it again. I'd like to speak with this person and tell them a little bit about trauma and getting sick because as a Christian or whatever, they need to try to be more kind and learn to forgive. That's all I'll say about it. In any case, I am currently taking: Strattera, abilify, lamictal, propranolol, latunda, ambien and ativan, so it is a lot from my past and a lot of other things, but I am tired of this person's high and mighty attitude towards me, among others, and as far as someone downplaying my situation, I'd like to have him take my medication and deal with what he thinks is a minor thing rooted in irresponsibility. I am hopefully going to go home tomorrow. And I'd like to speak on this topic of judgment, stigma and stupidity somewhat further later. In any case, blogger is acting funny, few people read, and I'm tired of worrying about what judgmental people think. I am feeling too much like writing at the moment which possibly isn't a good thing, but I know people have no clue about some things. I will read PILGRIM AT TINKER CREEK now, but will probably blog later as I am bored, but the fact is I can't work now. It's a long story, but I hope to get my social security back in about 8 months. As I now have time to write, I will force myself out of depression because I have to. So, it's a lucky thing I'm not sending emails as I am not that far gone. So I apologize for all the emails I sent and wish people could forgive. But I have to move on and write these reviews and write some poems. I have no idea if I can write anymore as it is difficult to focus, but blogging tells me there is reason to hope that I'll write, and I did publish 13 poems this spring. I may link to some blogs on PTSD, bipolar, schizoaffective to see what kind of judgmental response I get on that. Thank god I have a pc card.

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