Friday, May 20, 2011

Painful to look at

This song is appropriate to how I feel tonight. I feel utterly inept with the manuscript. But today it's over. Tomorrow is another day, but tonight I feel like I can no longer write. It's just a struggle to revise. I am thinking about cutting seven poems out of the manuscript now. I don't have the energy I need to revise them. They are sloppy. It's not only confidence that has exited. I've been encouraged to revise, but the fact of the matter is that I want to start over at the moment. I don't even know if I can ever publish again. I will speak with someone tomorrow about four or five of the poems I am uncomfortable with and see what his opinion is. The manuscript deals with sexual abuse, death of a loved friend, and simply breaking down. There is no real uplift or aha moment as I haven't resolved so much in my own day to day life. The language is flat. The language of trauma is flat. I am trying to dig myself out of this hole. It's hard as it's the same hole I find myself in repeatedly, so how to go around the hole, spend time going in a new direction. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to focus on revising, on the fact that healing comes next. I've sent the manuscript to a talented female reader and maybe her take will be more positive on it. I am seriously struggling with these poems. It's painful to look at them.

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