Monday, January 30, 2012

Waiting for friends to come over tonight. Feeling like today was long as I'm still under the weather. Hope to start writing Wed. Reading Dona Stein's Alice in Deutschaland and finding it interesting. Someone said he didn't like it, but he doesn't know what he's talking about as usual.  It seems the more authoritative one is sometimes, the less they know. I have a homeless friend who always talks about how high his IQ is, yet makes idiotic prejudicial statements. For example he insists I am not Latina because I don't speak Spanish. There's a woman in my group who can't stop talking and I don't believe knows how to listen, yet she wants no interruptions, wants that to be a rule. How to speak up? Well, I will have to learn because I'm pretty certain men make more than women still and some women need to learn how to listen. Speaking up sometimes is useless though too. But sometimes it's necessary. At least in one of these cases, I feel it's necessary.

My new apartment is very appealing and quiet. I am for the most part, writing to myself I suppose and that's okay. Maybe this electronic notebook will get me writing again-- thinking of beauty, joy and peace and transition or transformation instead of judgments, and again, I am more free than I've been in years, yet blocked a bit when it comes to beginning my revisions (again)--- the never ending process. I will get through this seemingly endless list of things to do. Call loan company, call attorney, begin review, begin revisions, review someone's poems, read some good poems to help me get motivated, write letter to biological father, return keys, mail gift, read brother-n-laws book and so forth. How in the world did I do this stuff when I was working? More so, how in the world do people with children and full time jobs function?

My social security hearing is March 21st. I am looking to who can sign an affidavit for my attorney and think I've found two good people who know me pretty well and have seen me struggling since 2008. I am very nervous about going before an administrative law judge, yet this won't be the first time. I was in my early thirties or late twenties last time I did. I was VERY foolish to lose my social security as well as section 8. I think this time I will hold onto it and wait to heal instead of rushing into employment.

Writing. I am not feeling well, so I'll give myself a break. Hopefully, I can get excited about the revision process and begin to see manuscript blossom. Overall, still struggling. Maybe it's time to heal first and foremost, yet writing seems a way to come full circle with abuse etc. Trauma leaves one numb, nervously anxious, jumpy and angry at times. This is exactly how I felt today. Yet the trees outside in the darkening sky seem to lull in the wind and remind me that there is a beauty in darkness too. Time to let go of journaling and recording my rabid and torrential thoughts? I don't know. I am seeking most of all peace and the ability to let go- like the serenity prayer. It is difficult, yet sometimes I can, and it is almost like flying or floating.

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