Waiting for friends to come over tonight. Feeling like today was long as I'm still under the weather. Hope to start writing Wed. Reading Dona Stein's Alice in Deutschaland and finding it interesting. Someone said he didn't like it, but he doesn't know what he's talking about as usual.  It seems the more authoritative one is sometimes, the less they know. I have a homeless friend who always talks about how high his IQ is, yet makes idiotic prejudicial statements. For example he insists I am not Latina because I don't speak Spanish. There's a woman in my group who can't stop talking and I don't believe knows how to listen, yet she wants no interruptions, wants that to be a rule. How to speak up? Well, I will have to learn because I'm pretty certain men make more than women still and some women need to learn how to listen. Speaking up sometimes is useless though too. But sometimes it's necessary. At least in one of these cases, I feel it's necessary.

My new apartment is very appealing and quiet. I am for the most part, writing to myself I suppose and that's okay. Maybe this electronic notebook will get me writing again-- thinking of beauty, joy and peace and transition or transformation instead of judgments, and again, I am more free than I've been in years, yet blocked a bit when it comes to beginning my revisions (again)--- the never ending process. I will get through this seemingly endless list of things to do. Call loan company, call attorney, begin review, begin revisions, review someone's poems, read some good poems to help me get motivated, write letter to biological father, return keys, mail gift, read brother-n-laws book and so forth. How in the world did I do this stuff when I was working? More so, how in the world do people with children and full time jobs function?

My social security hearing is March 21st. I am looking to who can sign an affidavit for my attorney and think I've found two good people who know me pretty well and have seen me struggling since 2008. I am very nervous about going before an administrative law judge, yet this won't be the first time. I was in my early thirties or late twenties last time I did. I was VERY foolish to lose my social security as well as section 8. I think this time I will hold onto it and wait to heal instead of rushing into employment.

Writing. I am not feeling well, so I'll give myself a break. Hopefully, I can get excited about the revision process and begin to see manuscript blossom. Overall, still struggling. Maybe it's time to heal first and foremost, yet writing seems a way to come full circle with abuse etc. Trauma leaves one numb, nervously anxious, jumpy and angry at times. This is exactly how I felt today. Yet the trees outside in the darkening sky seem to lull in the wind and remind me that there is a beauty in darkness too. Time to let go of journaling and recording my rabid and torrential thoughts? I don't know. I am seeking most of all peace and the ability to let go- like the serenity prayer. It is difficult, yet sometimes I can, and it is almost like flying or floating.

Today has been a bad day as I have caught some kind of cold. All is well. All will be well. I think overall, I ruminate and can grow angry as I reflect on the poetry world. But it is not life. I am going to try to write tomorrow, but the truth is that it has become very difficult for me to write. Usually I can ignore the rumblings in my stomach about perceived injustices or plain unfairness of things, but I have to let such things go as they can kill you. Fact is, the poetry world  is not often about good poetry, at least smallish cliques etc that exist within it. One must persist. I think that's why I like this song proclaiming the beauty of an outsider and the beauty of not necessarily being accepted by some of your peers. Fact is, I need to let go, let be. Today is just one of those days. Woke up with a sore throat, but it's gone away. Getting ready to go to a movie with friends who accept me without the poems, without the politics of poems, which can kill a thing of beauty. But I will hopefully press on tomorrow, but I can be a lot of talk and no action. Maybe going to the symposium later this month will help, but maybe it's okay I'm not going to AWP. The last one in Denver consisted of me wandering around by myself and hanging out with a friend who isn't invested in that crap. Well I did get to hang out a bit with UTEP folks, which was nice, but basically feeling I need to let go, let be. Hopefully I can do this.

Today I'm moved into the apartment. Now it's time to get busy. I need to focus on writing. I will begin revising "Seven" soon. Did some drawing today. I love this song!!! I have hope. I have hope. I have hope. I have hope. All is well. Everything is okay. Everyone is healthy. I have hope. I have hope. I will focus on hope. Tomorrow is my birthday.  I do not regret my life. Someone said when you are in  your late forties you decide to either be bitter or grateful, maybe it was the fifties. In any case, I AM feeling pretty grateful, and when those frustrations come, I listen to Enya!

Moved into new apartment, mostly. Getting some feedback on multiple versions of "Seven" from a publisher. Basically, I'm fairly discouraged at the moment, but will read notes more carefully tomorrow morning.  I haven't really been able to focus on the notes. Not sure where it's going or even where it's been. Feeling less of a poet these days, but will hopefully get back into the writing/revising when I get completely moved in to new apt. I have no desk, no bed etc yet, but I did manage to buy a card table with four chairs which will have to suffice for a while for writing. Headed to Austin at the end of February for a symposium where I get to be in a workshop run by Marilyn Hacker with other Canto Mundo fellows. Looking forward to this. Hopefully that will help me get both my head and heart back into this manuscript. It feels grueling and somewhat lonely despite having support in this process. Fact is, I am getting multiple voices advising me, and I think I need to just sit with it for a bit longer and really think about where I want it to go I respect the people giving me advice and I am glad someone's interested in it, but it's been a long haul this manuscript. I wonder sometimes why I'm such a slow writer. I have time now. So hopefully I'll get into it again.

Missing someone.

Christine Granados has an essay in THE TEXAS OBSERVER!

Sheryl Luna is snowed in today, and NOT having coffee with a famous poet. She feels utterly invisible in poetsville, but that's okay cuz we all probably feel that way, no?

I am moving into my new apartment soon. I get the keys tomorrow!! Yay! It will be on 37th ave near Harlen.
I'm sure you care ;) But I'm thrilled. My rent will be one third of my income, which is currently 175.00 which comes out to 42.00 a month. Not bad, huh? My lawyer called today about my hearing. Attorneys seem to be busy and quick to the point about things. I hope that isn't some kinda omen re: my hearing this March. In any case, "stay in the moment" everyone says.

Listening to this and feeling motivated. Met with an interested publisher, but I need to work on manuscript longer, maybe one more year, but I'm feeling good, real good, despite getting a ticket this morning. I'm thinking about relinquishing my car and driving. Fact is I get very anxious and dislike driving immensely. So in any case, will work harder and be more disciplined on same old manuscript which may be titled "Seven" again, possibly with same old format. Will work hard to revise and possibly add new poems. AAAAAAhhhhhhggghhh, I'm going to work on this thing for a long, long time!!!!!!!!! But it will be good ;)

I didn't get some paperwork in for my medicaid application, and I probably can't get it together until next week, which I think knocks me out of the first come first serve situation in Colorado. In any case, I feel bad for my last post. I did miss my meds for 3-4 days due to the trip to El Paso and getting back later than anticipated. In any case, I get testy and argumentative when I am off my meds. I need to take them in order to function and get along. I will work on that not happening again. Poor planning and a nurse who said, "you won't notice the difference," since some pills were missing. Well, obviously there was a difference in that I missed two more days.

Not much to do these days, but I am meeting with a publisher about my poems. Hopefully something will pan out soon. We'll see. I got two poems taken by Pilgrimage which is nice.

I suppose next I'll get ready to send some poems out to journals in the next few days as I am looking for an apartment after getting Shelter Plus Care voucher.

God bless America!

Will apply for medicaid tomorrow and let me tell you, the application is no fun :(
Luckily I head a friend help me fill it out and she knew which sections could go unanswered, otherwise, I'd still be filling out the application, which is thick! My friend says I need to be waiting outside at 6 a.m. since a long line will form. I like Obama for making medicaid more accessible to more people. Don't care what Republican members of my own family think! I need Medicaid! I used to have it, but like a fool I let it lapse, along with Social Security, two things I will NOT let happen again.

Will try to send some poems out Wed. Getting a few rejections, many more to follow. No fun! Oh well, Keep trying.

Tied of Latino men running the poetry show. Real tied of it. actually tired of men running the show when it comes to poetry and truly believing they are more gifted than everyone else of another gender.

Alas, I will go my own way.