Friday, May 18, 2012

Yikes, I am all caught up in fear! Fear of invisibility! Fear of inferiority! Fear of being left out of the clique! I am letting go, now.

Will visit family this week. Fear and judgement are so ingrained it takes a long, long time to recover and heal from them. It's okay too.

Much to learn. Letting go of these fears bit by little bit. It's okay that I got mad. I am just noticing it. I am really trying to learn to be more compassionate to myself. This lack of compassion is rooted in PTSD and patterns of harsh thinking when it comes to oneself.

I have to learn to be more compassionate to myself before I can be compassionate toward others, and common sense tells me that doing good work, immersing oneself in the letting go of my and mine, that the work will free itself and become part of something larger than oneself.

I am disappointed in a great deal of masks worn in a community, but all I can do is work on pulling mine off.

I have to let go of harsh judgement toward myself and I have to simply try to wish well people whose behavior makes no sense to me. I'm sure it makes sense to them.

So, I am caught up in my own fear about insignificance, lack of respect and so forth. It's okay some take a different path, and maybe there is some karmic justice. I can only move on into this time. And I'm here in El Paso, ready to breathe.

I guess we can only live here and now, and yes, amidst the clutter, I am feeling some strange freedom. Freedom to speak as I will. Freedom to write as I will. Not the "will" or the "willing" or "willfulness" but rather the freedom to just speak out. And it's okay that it seems others are unjust, but it's my own desire for justice, for praise that makes it difficult. I have to let go of all that and just write.

So be it that things seem unfair and that I judged it to be unfair. I can only hope towards some karma, and I have to hang on to the now in face of my fears.

Still love the Dylan song though ;)

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