Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Rita Dove reading "Black on a Saturday Night"

which is an interesting poem. I am tired again, but not as tired as usual. They think I have sleep apnea which would explain a lot. But of course I have no insurance and doubt I can afford this machine that they have to help one sleep. There may be some clinic and/or program that helps one pay for it, but I'd rather just get a job with insurance.

I am hoping to get called back re: the interview I had but I don't generally do well in interviews. Still not sure about what I'll be doing or where I'll be living. This interview was in Denver. It was for a different kind of job so maybe I did better. We'll have to wait and see. If there's one thing I dislike, it's interviewing. I get too nervous and speak too quickly, and/or get lost and forget maybe one half of the question. Ugh, I hate interviewing, and this time I felt I bombed it immediately after, so maybe I did a little better than usual. I don't know.

Po-biz has had me down for a very long time. I mean why try to write when things are the way they are? I don't know. I think and hope I can get back to writing for the pure joy of it, but things have definitely turned sour in my mind. Maybe if I get an apartment or something changes, I'll be able to write again. I'm concerned I'll get rejected from Macondo and my Canto Mundo application had errors. I thought going there might mend some wounds, help me feel part of a community and help me write again. Some say to write for "history" but I realize I'm probably not good enough for that, but I should as R. Vasquez said, strive to write memorable words. I think this is part of what's wrong. I don't feel my words are memorable. I dislike po-biz though more. It would be fine if merit played some small role in things, but it does not. Maybe I'm just not very good also enters my mind. It's a back and forth thing of doubts, disconcerting thoughts and hopelessness. The deal is I have to change my attitude somehow. I have to believe in the process and the experience rather than the friggin' results which are either completely unfair or tell me I might be better off spending my energy elsewhere, yet here I am still "thinking" about poems and poetry. I do enjoy reading it still.

Life is still better than what it was in 2008. That was a really dark time and I will not say call it "dark night of the soul" as it is cliche and reminds me of one of my exes.

I find life is more interesting now that I'm not writing in some ways. No that's not true, I'm bored! I need to try to write. Yes, I will continue to wade through old files to see if I can find this one poem to revise and read next week at AWP one poem thingy, but I'm even worried about going as I don't have a poem really. Okay, C yes, I'm full of it.

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