Saturday, February 04, 2012

I am stuck in apartment still as my car is buried in snow. At least ten to twelve inches in front of it. Luckily a friend is going to help dig it out later this afternoon. Am stuck with writer's block still, but did manage to get one project out of the way, and will work on a review tonight, and hopefully tomorrow I will actually do something with manuscript as I really need to zero in and focus on it again. I think I put too much pressure on myself to publish as others publish endlessly so flawlessly. So, working on getting better, doing better, feeling better.It's okay to go my own pace. Worried at times I'll never get the second book out! A friend used to say everything happens for a reason, so I'm thinking what happened with Notre Dame and Arizona are blessings in that in the end it will be a better manuscript. At least this is what I say to myself, but I am afraid at times I don't have another collection in me, yet others believe I do, so I will continue to try to get one out some year.

Basically, first book situation was bad. Didn't expect it to turn out so terribly, and I was terribly surprised by people's selfishness, which I shouldn't have been at my age. Now, I have to forgive, move on, have faith. Also, I am seeing that there was much to be grateful for, but I of course focused on what hurt. And this is simply a reaction to early trauma. And I have to move forward somehow as the last few weeks after meeting with fantastic editors, I was stuck. I have to get unstuck tomorrow. I just have to get unstuck. Let go.

Did some drawing last night. Going a bit stir crazy as I've been snowed in a bit for two days. Will work on reading the tail end of Dona Stein's book, which I'll write a review. Lost one book I was going to write a review on and then found it during the move, but the fact is, I am going to have to not review books for a while after this as it takes away my energy for working on manuscript.  Hopefully I won't be spinning my wheels going nowhere as I have some good editors helping me. I just need to get busy with it. Tried to write something new the other night and stared at the blank computer screen. So, hopefully I can re-order (yet again) the manuscript and cut at least one poem out--"Feeding Season"- and work to refine and cut down "Chico's Tacos."

They say blogging is good for one's psychological health. Maybe. I don't know. I do know that I need to work on that manuscript and feel good about the process. This place helps me air things out, re-think and re-examine what I'm doing or not doing.. Do one thing a little bit at a time, I suppose. Just get started. Do something you need to do for just 15 minutes and see how it goes, then do a little more for another 15 minutes later. Hopefully, I'll somehow grow immersed in writing again. Overall, I let the negatives of po-biz (which is a terribly dirty business) get me down, way down. But then again, I had/have some healing to do and circumstances beyond my control really, got me down. It all blurs when one must heal from early violence.

Simplicity, is a nice thing, yet sometimes things are very complicated by their very nature. I'd like to agree wholeheartedly with living in sublime simplicity, but there are dark things in this world which we must wrestle with and heal from. I mostly need to get unstuck as when I am not writing I am a moody person. Writing is freeing, and yet, here I am stuck. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some creativity my way. I think it will. I have faith.

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