Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Feeling kind of down, with the first snow which is still falling. I'm guessing 8 inches as predicted. Roads are sloshed. Printed out a few poems which I will try to send out despite feeling very down. I don't do well with winter cold I suppose.

I've been reading Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God and Milosz's ABC's. Reading is the only thing that can save me as a poet, as I'm down. U of AZ press hasn't yet waded through manuscript and I have people whispering in my ear, telling me it's just not ready, telling me they've published some bad books, at least one, but then again the source is questionable, in that he feels one should only write in English, which is absurd. Some are telling me I should only publish a chapbook.

In any case, the struggle with confidence has again come to a headway, as I am down and frustrated, but my mother just got me a new computer which she will ship soon. My mother is the only reason I'm living under the AND (Aid to Needy Disabled) and surviving.

My social security hearing is scheduled for March 21, 2012, and yes, it's been a long wait. Not sure what will happen. Very concerned and worried, then realize that worrying won't do me any good.

I really do like Milosz and the other day I was very excited and engaged reading these short essays. Here's a quote:

"People go to church because they are divided beings. They wish, for a moment at least, to find themselves in a reality other than the one that surrounds them and claims to be the only true reality. This daily reality is unyielding, brutal, cruel, and hard to bear... "

Yet in the end he seems to state it is advisable to have familiarity with the "so called truths of the faith".

So in any case, his position seems intentionally obscure. Whereas Rilke's poems ring with a faith I have long since lost in many ways. They are beautiful, though the translation I have has the German titles. So faith has been on my mind of late, and frustration too.

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