Rita Dove reading "Black on a Saturday Night"

which is an interesting poem. I am tired again, but not as tired as usual. They think I have sleep apnea which would explain a lot. But of course I have no insurance and doubt I can afford this machine that they have to help one sleep. There may be some clinic and/or program that helps one pay for it, but I'd rather just get a job with insurance.

I am hoping to get called back re: the interview I had but I don't generally do well in interviews. Still not sure about what I'll be doing or where I'll be living. This interview was in Denver. It was for a different kind of job so maybe I did better. We'll have to wait and see. If there's one thing I dislike, it's interviewing. I get too nervous and speak too quickly, and/or get lost and forget maybe one half of the question. Ugh, I hate interviewing, and this time I felt I bombed it immediately after, so maybe I did a little better than usual. I don't know.

Po-biz has had me down for a very long time. I mean why try to write when things are the way they are? I don't know. I think and hope I can get back to writing for the pure joy of it, but things have definitely turned sour in my mind. Maybe if I get an apartment or something changes, I'll be able to write again. I'm concerned I'll get rejected from Macondo and my Canto Mundo application had errors. I thought going there might mend some wounds, help me feel part of a community and help me write again. Some say to write for "history" but I realize I'm probably not good enough for that, but I should as R. Vasquez said, strive to write memorable words. I think this is part of what's wrong. I don't feel my words are memorable. I dislike po-biz though more. It would be fine if merit played some small role in things, but it does not. Maybe I'm just not very good also enters my mind. It's a back and forth thing of doubts, disconcerting thoughts and hopelessness. The deal is I have to change my attitude somehow. I have to believe in the process and the experience rather than the friggin' results which are either completely unfair or tell me I might be better off spending my energy elsewhere, yet here I am still "thinking" about poems and poetry. I do enjoy reading it still.


Life is still better than what it was in 2008. That was a really dark time and I will not say call it "dark night of the soul" as it is cliche and reminds me of one of my exes.

I find life is more interesting now that I'm not writing in some ways. No that's not true, I'm bored! I need to try to write. Yes, I will continue to wade through old files to see if I can find this one poem to revise and read next week at AWP one poem thingy, but I'm even worried about going as I don't have a poem really. Okay, C yes, I'm full of it.

Robert Hass on Hyde's gift economy.

S used to always talk about this. She was pure energy. She loved to tell me old stories in a new way. Sometimes it's okay in the end.

C.K. Williams

I read a bit of SELECTED WRITINGS OF GERTRUDE STEIN and am finding it interesting. I've never found Stein all that interesting in that she played with sound and that in and of itself seemed a bit uninteresting to me. But this book about her is VERY interesting! I am of course reading slowly, digesting it a little bit at a time.

I wonder if I'll ever write again. I hope so. I applied to Macondo and Canto Mundo but am worried about being able to afford to attend if accepted and worried about being accepted.

I suppose I'll read a bit more of THE SCOUNDREL AND THE OPTIMIST which I am still enjoying despite some gross humor or a moment of grossness in the story.

I scored the following books cheap! WHAT IS FOUND THERE: NOTEBOOKS ON POETRY AND POLITICS by Adrienne Rich, THE NEW AMERICAN POETRY ed. Donald Allen (the big $4.00)m THE SELECTED WRITINGS OF GERTRUDE STEIN, $4.00, AND THE COLLECTED WORKS OF BASIL BUNTING, $5.00, and I will not reveal the location of this used bookstore which I plan on returning to next time I get a check of some sort!

Still reading THE SCOUNDREL AND THE OPTIMMIST by Maceo Montoya and finding it delightful! I love this book.

I need to finish it so I can write a review which will be difficult to do well in under 500 words.

Today I will continue reading this novel, draw a bit, and type up poems by 5th graders!

Mark Doty reading "The House of Beauty"

Today I went to the Tattered cover and despite a limited income and perpetual under-employment I purchased Mark Doty's Fire to Fire and Kevin Young's Jelly Roll. I wanted to purchase Keith Waldrop's Transcendental Studies which I thought looked interesting but it was twenty dollars. I like the bargain books at Tattered Cover because they are affordable and they have a great section of poetry.

I think it is easy to over-think poetry and forget what it once meant to me. I will try I suppose but mostly I think about it in abstract and distant terms, a thing so very far away that I listen to videos about a house of beauty burning and I know what it had meant can come back since it is after all a living thing?

I had an interview today. That's about all I have to say about that.

Still not sure if I will stay in Denver or move to El Paso, TX.

I am trying to get motivated to go out and do something at 9:15 pm when I'd rather curl up and go to sleep. I'm not sure I can get out. I think I may just read some more of Maceo Montoya's novel.

Feeling kinda weird these days about writing; wanting to get back into it, but finding it impossible. I could go into it, but someone today said it was a crock of something or another.

I need something in my life to shift. I don't know what it is, but something needs to feed my desire to be with poems again. Or something needs to happen in general to lead me into some worthy endeavor besides blogging, reading extremely slowly and daydreaming and journaling .

I wonder if anyone will be at the one poem reading thing. I am planning on going but am rather nervous as I will read a poem about sexual abuse. Someone says it's a really good poem, so I'll go with that advice if I can find the newer version of it.

I need to read Joyce Meyer's Approval Addiction again. She's a Christian writer, and despite a lot of Godly God stuff, she has a lot of good things to say re: approval addiction, our need for acceptance and our tendency towards judgement when we have been abused in some way. We must recover and mend and learn to recover and mend broken relationships.

Yes, everything is about relationships. I see that today.

Ben Kingley reading "Oxymandias"



Charles Simic reading "Stone"

I like both these poems very much. I deleted all blog post in order to start fresh.

Lines have been coming to me. I need to start writing them down. At least two have come.



Yusef Kumanyakaa reading "Facing It"

Cseslaw Milosz- "Gift"