http://youtu.be/a2ZOwv56stw


Tomorrow I go to DBT group, then the library. Wasn't sure I should blog tonight, but someone said this song was how I was feeling.

I am feeling free, wanting to be free.

Apparently someone doesn't get the song on facebook.

Oh well.

I love this song. I love the sentiment. Today I didn't walk, rain clouds and thunder and lightening came in. Worked on the manuscript a bit and realize I am very burned out on it, but I got some help with it. Will get it in format around the 21st or 22nd and send it to the press on the 23rd or so before I leave for Texas. Can't wait to see my family. I am for the first time in my life feeling a sense of peace, but I have a long ways to go. I have a lot of work to do in terms of self-esteem. Sometimes people dismiss people like myself who have experienced trauma and may be shy or etc. (People who don't meet shallow societal standards of what is successful.) But I think through healing one gains a sense of her power. And art transcends such things in the end. It's about hustling on the page, not being too self-assured. A certain amount of doubt, and a willingness to live in uncertainty surely seem a part of this. But mostly I am at peace in enjoying moments. They are brief in the end. It's all we have. I am most certainly going to work on confidence, but moreso I desire freedom. I don't want to be in bondage to societal expectations which are essentially shallow and well, over-Americanized in terms of workaholism etc. This puts me on the outside. I can't believe all the academics running around claiming they are aesthetically on the outside. If you have a good teaching job, you are most certainly on the inside. I suppose if you are out in the boondocks, you might argue with me, but I still say you met some kind of expectation about what is wanted in academia. I tend to think that this is a someone who is often overly confident and misses nuances about his/her own frailty in face of a universe of indifference. But this is only true some of the time. And what does it mean to be on the outside? Is it really such a great thing? I don't know, but I do know society has these expectations that one work and many work themselves to death trying to meet these unreal standards. I may also have a disability which requires treatment. That's not to say I won't get better, but for now I am a penultimate outsider as I am receiving state disability. I am seeking to be an insider some day possibly, but for now I am on the outside, most definitely.

Having new time to write now, makes me okay with this, and I think starting a new project, one not fraught with the emotionally charged subjects I wrote the second manuscript on will be good for me.

I didn't get a chance to walk today. Earlier, I wanted to post about the gender gap in Latino/a poetry, but I've decided it's best to enjoy my day. I haven't walked for the last two days, and it gets me kind of in a funk when I can't or won't walk. It was really hot and our air conditioner isn't working. The sunset here is beautiful!!!
I'll walk in the morning.

I will walk in the morning. I could walk in the morning. But I won't say I should.

I want to learn the names of trees, particularly a yellow leafed tree here in Colorado in the spring. It's beautifully odd. The manuscript is moving along with more detail about birds of prey etc. I am feeling much better about it as each day passes!!!

Tightening and trimming the manuscript today.

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List of things to do is growing and growing.

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Oh, geez. What can I say? I'm a fool. I don't know. In any case, today I get started on the tail end of the manuscript.

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A perfect morning.

Drawing all night long, obsessively.

Today, again I walked and sketched a bit. I went to DBT group this morning, and it was good in that I am learning more and more about being mindful. I most certainly messed things up in 2008, to the level that some won't even speak to me anymore, but that's okay. I have to give them space, and I have to be responsible for my own behavior, which, has been in the past, very,very impulsive. I was hurt, and usually anger is because we perceive some need of ours is not being met. I felt Francisco was interested in promoting Francisco, because that's how I felt in 2005. But that's a long, long time ago.

Basically, I was a mess, and I felt unsupported etc. I talk about trauma and I realize the magnitude of such things is lost on most, and I suspect the second collection, if ever published will attest to such things. I believe we are often unwilling to believe the traumas that some of us go through, and of course, are likely to dismiss such things as silly excuses, but these things made me who I am today, and of course, this can be both good and bad.

In any case, today I plan on doing some more drawing and relaxing. I went on a great walk, ever so slowly and enjoyed squirrels, black birds, bugs, and the buzzing prairie. It felt so good. I am so glad to be walking finally. I hope to keep it up as I am prone to be sedentary.

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The manuscript sits until Saturday when I have a meeting with BR, the red pen of doom! Then Sunday I will work on getting it in format with P and hopefully just trim and polish until the end of June, when I plan on sending it back. We'll see. I have flip-flopped on the title at least five times as it is now back to Seven despite the cries from the red pen of doom :0

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I tried reading Annie Proulx's THE SHIPPING NEWS and just couldn't finish it, so next I will try Junot Diaz's THE BRIEF WONDROUS LIFE OF OSCAR WAO. My inability to finish Proulx is more a fault of my ADD than Proulx's prose which is unique and I was willing to steal an image, just one. ;)

I also have a book by Mary Karr called CHERRY. I love THE LIAR'S CLUB so suspect this one will be good too, but alas, ADD and trouble focusing makes reading longer novels difficult for me, but I have to say I breezed through THE GLASS CASTLE by Jeanette Walls. That's a really good book! It's about a dysfunctional family and neglectful parents. I highly recommend reading it.

I'm off to go outside now.

My faith is weak to nil, but I absolutely love this song. Today, once again, no poetry, only sketching, drawing, listening to music and walking. I will get back to the manuscript on Sunday. I will trim it some more possibly and then P will help me get it into the right formatting structure with a table of contents page etc. Then I will continue to trim it and mail it out in a few weeks before I leave for Canto Mundo. We will see if the friend with the red pen of doom will ever get back to me. Saturday is your last chance!

The agony of writing the second "book" or "manuscript" has been heartfelt. I have been in agony over this for a number of years. It is not anything like the first book, some disapprove of it I think, but it's time to have some confidence in myself. The fact of the matter is that a lot of people might not be able to relate to the poems, though some women find it more finished than male readers.
The manuscript is about abuse, depression, anger and loss. I wrote it during a very difficult rough patch in my life, the worst so far and hopefully the last.