Feeling better as I've actually done some work on manuscript regarding section titles and quotations for section titles and will move on to remove excessive "I's" in it, and also will trim "Chico's Tacos." Removed "Feeding Season" and have moved a few poems around and will need to do so with several others. Potential cutting of poems if they don't fit in with the overall theme of the section will follow. I feel better when I take these tiny steps and begin writing/revising again. It is that joy, that feeling of relief and pleasure that have me taking tiny steps again. Finally.
The joy of writing will flee if one focuses on the dirty politics of the game. I am more and more isolated in that I'm no longer teaching and am living in abject poverty with acceptance of my limitations. Rejections coming in with a couple of acceptances. Must seek out excessive amount of rejection to find my way. At least I still think about poems, though it grew difficult to write as I still some days grovel in the absurdity of po-biz and see myself out of the loop or far removed from the game "players." And despite this, I am blessed. I am beginning to look at things a different way. I am beginning to see that things fall into place once we surrender and let go.
Settling into new apartment and realizing I have a well lit place and a room of my own. It's been at least four years since this has been the case. I have a working printer and computer. I have a few people behind me and my work, people that approached me based on my poems, not my "marketing" or "schmoozing." I have good friends, companionship and freedom like I haven't had in many, many years. Hopefully the hearing will turn out fine and all will be well. If not, I will simply re-apply and give my car away. I have trimmed down my life. There are no excesses any more. There is less materialism, less commercialism, less ownership and need for ownership. I have what I need and am grateful for it. I no longer feel I have to have things, own things, carry things, keep things or show things. I am free to say I have limitations. It feels good.