I read Mark Strand has quit poetry to focus on his artwork and memoir pieces.
*

I am awake at 3-4 a.m. and my mother has just told me to go back to bed. But I can't sleep. I'm wide awake! She is upset with me because I am drinking coffee. :( I'm an odd bird to her, but it is not time to sleep. I am antsy.

*

In the end, one must hold true to his/her work. My uncle, a painter, said to me tonight something to the effect that he is now confident in his work, that criticisms of it no longer bother him. His paintings are his creations, so how can another judge them? I would like to have more security re: my work.

Pleasure in creation. That's where the joy is. It is in the act of creation. So much else is irrelevant.

I am terribly worried about the second manuscript. It is quite painful. I just need to move on and write new work. Maybe I'll get some positive feedback. I guess everyone suffers from self-doubt, from insecurity? No, my uncle's words about people leaving a concert or a movie complaining about it, that they really have no right as it was not a part of them, of their own creativity. Ugh, I can't explain what he said right, but I do hope that he can do the cover of my next book. He is right, and he said it took him 35 years to believe confidently in his work.

My step-father, adoptive father was terribly abusive, and I have until this day, too much fear and worry. I often get jealous due to the fact that my twin siblings were unabashedly favored. There's a lot to write about, a lot to recover from. And so I will revisit my uncle's philosophy, that no one can really criticize his work in a way that effects him, because it's his/her creation. Is it then an extension of the self, the self that so many mock? Individuality is mocked now in poetry??!!

*

P says that part of the problem is that I wasn't raised in that upper middle class academic background, that I am not comfortable in it. I am coming more and more to acceptance, to a place of peace, and I feel the third time is the charm. It's okay that I am where I am.


I go to Canto Mundo soon, and will hopefully find community not mere self-promotion. In the end, I have to find a place of work, of action, of creativity. It's the only way. I look forward to seeing a few folks who are a reflection of this philosophy of my uncles, people who revel in the act of writing. One such fellow, told me once that he didn't care if he ever published. He ended up winning the Walt Whitman award.

My mom loves this song. She gave me a small painting to take back to Denver. It feels so good to be home!!! The violence in Juarez has touched the women who take care of my grandmother, along with my mother. I think I'll be in Denver for some time, but El Paso will always be close to my heart. I love this city!!! I love my dysfunctional, crazy family too!!!

I'm on my way! I feel it too! Listening to Paquita del Barrio with my 98 year old grandmother. She claps at the end of each song ;) I feel very good at this time in my life, even though I can't work. Especially, I can't teach now. Too difficult. I admire people who can do it, but some in academia are real assholes. You know it's true. Assholes. But there are assholes everywhere. It's a good thing I don't have to be around any now!!! Yay!!! I'm free!!!

It will probably be 3 months before I hear back from the press and reviewers, maybe longer. I'm relieved I sent it because I can get some feedback from the readers. I feel good. The manuscript is raw in that it deals with sexual abuse, loss and forgetting, but it is in the end about recovery, and I realize I wrote this not so much to be a poet, but because it had to be written. Some people like it less than Pity and two women say it's better. Interesting diverse reactions. All in all, I feel good about it in that I spent over a month tightening it up. I spent 4-5 years on it I believe and expect at least another year of polishing might occur, maybe two.

These distinctions we draw. I'm not any better. The thing is I hope to get back to writing some more now. I felt the manuscript was/is a weight that had to come off my back. Now I'm headed to Texas feeling pretty darn good! I'm at a hotel resting and New Mexico is certainly more hot than Colorado. Whew!

Yes, I have this much extra time on my hands. Life is finally good!!!! I am resting!!! I am celebrating!!! I am going to write some new stuff!!!! I feel good. I don't live with my mom, but I am living on the edge and it feels okay to not have money. I'm tired of the rat race to nowhere. Be free!!!

Chuck those societal standards and judgements. Life is to short. Success is in the moment. I feel it finally. The sky is spectacular. The trees are spectacular. The sun is best of all, even though it be hot.

I've been sick today, but I'm feeling better. I'm heading to Texas on Friday!

I think if they like the manuscript, I'm assigned an editor or something according to a fiction-writing friend. Friends that know me are pleasantly surprised I sent the manuscript out, but I'm glad I did. There's time to make changes still, and I needed to get that monkey off my back. I'm trying not to think negatively, to view the positive in the situation. There's still plenty of time to make changes. I am ready to start writing some new and different poems.

I went to an art show yesterday where a friend sold 10 copies of his chapbook, as he read when the piano player took a break. It was great fun, and I've decided to enter some artwork in it next year. It's for a good cause. I mostly draw stuff with pencils and pastels, and though I'm not very good, I am improving. So, I think next year I won't cut in on this friend's good deal with the poetry, but I'll try to do some paintings, which some say the one's I've done are okay. My brother has one hanging in his house. I'm really looking forward to continuing my artwork. I'm most definitely a beginner, but I enjoy it very much, and I felt some of my drawings were/are just as good as some displayed. Some, not so much! hahaha

I sent two hard copies of the manuscript and a cd of it to the University of Arizona Press today.

An early version of "Watching the Wheels"! It's neat to listen to and hear his creative process, knowing what ended up being cut and changed.

Back from camping, and I'm physically exhausted, just pooped. It was fun, though my roommate didn't make it and ended up in the hospital. She's okay, gets out tomorrow.

In any case, camping in the wind and rain is a lot of work. That's all I'll say about that, but it's fun. Crazy fun!

I leave for Texas on Friday, first to El Paso, then Big Spring to visit the bro, then Austin for Canto Mundo, then Dallas to visit the sister and kids. I'm sure the whole trip will exhaust me, but if I'm going to Texas, I'm going to see everyone.

I'm mailing the manuscript to U. of Arizona Press on Monday.