Dialectical Migrations

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Mon, 20 May 2013 01:08:00 +0000

Song to Woody

A beautiful day in CO. Read some more interviews in POETRY IN PERSON: Twenty-five Years of Conversation with America's poets. Many of these poets were interviewed in the late seventies and early eighties, and they seem to remove themselves from the first person lyric I, which I addressed a few posts ago in regards to trauma and recovery and the fragmented self. Healing involves finding and celebrating that self and reconstructing an identity based on new core beliefs about one's self.

The collection I am working on, as a press has noted, successfully meanders through internal landscapes, once again tied to trauma and recovery. A bit at odds with this view that first person I or internal landscapes are a bad or immature thing to do. We do what we must do as writers. I understand how such self-involvement without concern for the external world is viewed as immature or something young writers do, but again I stress those narratives that have been suppressed and taboo in not only the larger society but in the literary world are necessary. Recovery helps others who have gone through the same thing. These issues are not mere family drama; they devastate lives, harm psyches and objectify women.

Poetry is not an exercise in cleverness necessarily where narrative is something to sneer at because it's been done. So much depends on the poet, what his or her art is doing (hopefully). This is one reason I am glad Sharon Olds received the Pulitzer, though I haven't been crazy about STAG'S LEAP, which I've been unable to read. I do remember in grad school, the guys making fun of her. I think omission and dismissal of violence, sexual abuse and trauma is inhuman of late. When I hear such dismissals in the future people will discover I have found my voice.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Wed, 15 May 2013 03:22:00 +0000

I really have second doubts about what I posted yesterday. My displacement in academic settings is however real, and most everyone I know believes I will be a better peer specialist in the mental health field. Letting go of ambition, unhealthy ambition is difficult. But I have for the most part let go of any hope of having an academic career. Yet, I am still writing and this is a good thing as there is time now to write. My third collection, recently rejected by a very well known press, has me feeling giddy as the press sent some very encouraging words about the manuscript. This manuscript was at the outset very rough, but I sent it out on a whim. Just goes to show core concepts which are negative self observations need to be thrown out the window!

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Tue, 14 May 2013 05:49:00 +0000

Bob Dylan's "Day of the Locusts" is my new theme song for my experience in higher education. Yup, he sums it up quite nicely, my experience. I pursued four degrees, trying to learn how to write. It was definitely a mixed bag of magic and dust. The magic came from reading every poem I could get my hands on; the dust came from trying to be somebody.

Competition in academia, at least in the backward provinces, isn't pretty. I am relieved for the most part that I have escaped the strange distances between people that occurs. This is partly from rejection, partly from needing to find some recovery for my illness, and partly from the current the universe has me gliding quite nicely through these days.

Someone close to me insists that part of my difficulties came about due to the fact that I am not upper middle class. He believes selling oneself is a learned behavior from the economic background of the individual. I spend the majority of my time interacting with people who have had no higher education in a different way than than my failed efforts to communicate with academics. I am quite successful among meth-heads, crack smokers, brilliant schizophrenics and the roller-coaster moods of a friend. I can negotiate this landscape. It is difficult after being in school forever and NOT in this world-- a world of honesty, anger, open rudeness and yelling!

I mean this stuff quite seriously. I do not believe the language of the educated is superior, it's just a different language. It's a privileged language, a language deemed necessary for success. And oh success, that two headed snake, that lying son-of-a-bitch, that mummified fate. But the question here is how much does economic background affect "fit" and "comfort" in such settings?

A friend's father is a prof at Berkeley and he, the father grew up quite poor in New Mexico, but he too had to learn the lingo. The friend speaks up and feels what he has to add to a conversation is pertinent, necessary and meaningful. Usually what he says doesn't make a lot of sense, but once in a while he'll pull off a zinger wit-filled comment. It's amazing how many people will nod and approvingly compliment him when he makes no sense. This is academia at times.

I just now recognized that the father didn't let go of his straight forwardness, and this perhaps has hampered him in academic settings. Mostly he put his nose to the grindstone and published like a mad man. This too works?

Watching videos of David Foster Wallace discussing education is interesting too. He too seems to believe there's something dry and distant and that many people teaching aren't into the teaching.He is critical of avant garde fiction, calls it "un-fun." I don't know. I know there's often a sense of supremacy in the academic ideal, that one be producing, hustling, marketing, networking, interacting, schmoozing (you hear this openly!) And yet, I think the story, the "real" story in my life lately is working-class people, downtrodden people, people who live simply. And yes, this can get frustratingly difficult. For example, I don't watch much TV and this makes me appear alien and out of touch. How can I NOT watch American Idol like an addict needing a fix? But fact is, I love my friends. They are cool. They don't write and yet come to every reading cheering me on, and even though they can't afford a book, they are there genuinely, happily and best of all they like my poems, especially my curse poem to 7-11. They get it. They get me, and this makes me a million times healthier than dealing with someone at CU coming into my office, snubbing me about not having read so and so.

No. I read people.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Sat, 11 May 2013 18:25:00 +0000

The ordeal the women in Cleveland went through and are going through also unnerved me. Many people are horrified how a human being could take control of another human being's freedom. The bombing at the Boston marathon was also sad and horrific. I want to write today about sexual assault, rape, and childhood sexual abuse and healing, how women are objectified in the media and by men and pornography daily. We can become numb and move on quickly regarding these acts of violence and oppression. Society has a move-on to the next act of insanity brief attention span. There are some sick individuals, some damaged individuals who oppress and abuse. It is often a cycle. There has always been such individuals throughout history.

But there are some individuals, as a friend stated, who seem to have no reason for their being aggressive, hateful and violent.

As a survivor of rape and childhood sexual abuse, I can only say that I truly believe negative thought patterns emerge because of society's right wing extreme religiosity that a woman should be pure or a virgin, demure, quiet, amicable and non-verbal, or at least non-confrontational. It's not just religion, double-standards and sicknness, but it is also the objectification of women in mainstream media, pornography and society in general.

I have found a voice through writing, and it is there that I have gained my power back. I am working on doing so in other aspects of life. I am okay where I am at because I am learning to be compassionate towards myself and shed those harsh views, those core beliefs that are entrenched in one's psyche often through such abuses.

I believe Healing is a means of taking one's power back. Negative thought patterns often emerge when one feels victimized by trauma. Healing involves changing and re-framing the shame, humiliation and distrust that occur when one is abused. This is a difficult battle, one that should not be dismissed or discounted in any way in my opinion. Yes, we acknowledge darkness, which I feel I do in my new collection, SEVEN (3: A Taos Press), but there is the issue of taking one's power back, finding one's voice, shedding those negative core beliefs. For me, this is the core of transfiguring what is dark into beauty.

It is in acknowledging darkness or violence occurred that one can develop an awareness and self-concept, which has often been damaged and distorted. For me, through my writing, I see the beauty that comes from such triumphs as gaining one's self-esteem and healing as transforming.

Healing is a slow process. It takes strength, fortitude and commitment. It is in my opinion more important than focusing on that darkness, that which is meant to dis-empower an individual.

This is one reason I argue for the lyric I in my poems. Fragmentation, loss of a sense of power, all these things can emerge when one is a survivor of long term abuse. Such stories can reaffirm the experience of others, which I have found as women who have read my book share similar experiences and relay that to me. All in all, there is light, hope and power in such striving.

This month is mental health awareness month, and I am working on being an advocate for mental health issues. PTSD is one issue I feel needs to be addressed in order to combat the abuse of young girls and women.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Sun, 05 May 2013 04:24:00 +0000

I have been watching too many David Foster Wallace videos on YouTube tonight. Brilliant mind. Such a loss! Here he discusses television and commercial entertainment and says avant-garde fiction is "academic and cloistered" and among other things "un-fun." I tried reading Infinite Jest in the nineties but found it too thick and overwhelming to read. I think I will be trying again. Just heard a video of him reading a short story and it blew me away. I have recently written or I should say drafted three stories. The fourth one is really not a story or a poem. In any case, I have written it, and I will lay claim to it even though I'm not sure what it is.

My reading last week went well. Friends and people in my art class said when I read it's like I'm a different person. They say this mostly because I am quiet and shy or as my friend says, unassuming.

When I read the poems it was as if a new me came out because I am learning to trust my language. Once in grad school, a friend said, why don't you have confidence; you have a solid grasp of the language. Still at times I lean towards self-effacement because that is what I've been entrenched with for nearly half a century, but none-the-less, I feel more whole when I am engaged with language whether it be poetry or fiction or some sort of cross between the two genres.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Thu, 02 May 2013 04:07:00 +0000

Love this video!

Trying to sell a book of poems is like trying your whole life to avoid suffering. Trying to sell a book of poetry is like trying to teach pigs to fly, talk jive to a turtle, sing sweet nothings to every loss you’ve had. There’s a seaside burden in such loneliness. You walk to and fro, hoping to sell a bit of your wounded and triumphant soul and nobody gives a damn it seems. So you try to sing louder too. You try getting religious even with pleating prayers to a foreign god. There’s wind-chimes and all the lies come like a new kind of wind-song. And luck comes to you like freedom and you too breaking bread and drinking wine, and there’s an infinity of truths dancing through your mind. Every shadow a blessing in summer’s hot throat. Yes, you too nothing but a brief season.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 03:26:00 +0000

My new website is up at http://www.sherylluna.com

It was designed by Amit Ghosh's team out of El Paso, Texas! They did a great job.

I have three readings scheduled now. The first two are on the website: West Side Books, in Denver and Innisfree Books in Boulder. Click on link for West Side Books info. The third reading will be at Ziggi's Coffee House (corner of Federal and 104th) May 16th for Third Thursday Open Mic Featured Poet 7-9 pm.

I'll re-post info about readings as they come up here and on facebook.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 22:11:00 +0000

To Purchase SEVEN:

Special Pre-Release Order: SEVEN is available for $15.00 per book.

Please mail checks to: 3: A Taos Press, P.O. Box 370627, Denver, CO 80237.

After 30 April 2013: SEVEN is available for $17.00 plus shipping from:

3: A Taos Press, Amazon, or SPD Distribution.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 19:53:00 +0000

I'm thinking about poverty this afternoon. I recognize that many in society think it is a choice, a laziness, a lack of ambition etc. I've spent most, well, all of my adult life in poverty. I currently receive a social security check for 838.00, which Repubicans want to cut. In any case, it's not the politics of the matter, but the realization that I've lived most of my life in abject poverty that has me thinking. And interestingly enough, this is not a complaint about it, but it's rather a celebration of the fact that I have that lovely gift-- time. Now, I am at ease with it because I am no longer struggling to juggle 6 plus classes a semester with no health benefits. Adjunct hell, I'll call that. Now, I have time to write, time to heal, and these are huge blessings which make up for the low income, but the low income means I can't afford things like AWP, sending out to too many contests etc. A low income means living within one's means very carefully. Sometimes, I think there is such a thing as destiny, or more so a place where the universe wants us, a place where we are meant to learn and grow. A friend thinks any concept like this or belief in God is silly, but for me, things seem to fall in place when you accept what the universe is giving.

I am going to advocate for mental health rights in the state of Colorado. After the tragic shootings in an Aurora movie theater, people who have a mental illness, are at risk of losing rights. The stigma which says most people with mental illness are violent is simply incorrect. There is so much stigma surrounding mental illness, I feel the universe is guiding me towards trying to tell my story in order to help others, who in many circumstances, are unable to speak for themselves. It's the one thing I can do. I can write letters to legislators and possibly speak at events. It's something which seems to be calling me, as I keep being asked to attend such events, to strive to support mental wellness in the state of Colorado.

My SECOND collection of poetry, in part, deals with trauma, both personal and cultural, and how one seeks and works for recovery. This concept of recovery has come into my life as well through various groups, invitations, therapy and organizations in Colorado. Recovery is all about healing and becoming whole and compassionate towards yourself. When one is broken by trauma, one can only recover and grow as best she can. A metaphor for trauma is a tree sapling that has been damaged, possibly almost broken, and then, despite the trauma, continues to grow. The direction of the growth may be haphazard and even appear abnormal. For example a sapling with a broken branch may find that very branch crawling along the ground, before gaining the strength to grow upward. It looks different.

Poverty in a sense, may be a symptom of having been ill and untreated, but when we are in flow with our purpose in the universe, we are essentially floating with the current rather than swimming and taking in water against the current, we are blessed. This is something I truly believe. We let go of that ambition that is unhealthy for us, we are drawn to the things that bring us to a place of compassion for ourselves and others. Poverty is really not such a terrible thing if it allows you time and peace, yet for many years I struggled against poverty in an unhealthy way. My worst time was working for the Seven-Eleven on the corner of Ralston and Wadsworth in Arvada, CO after I had taught at CU Boulder. I have a poem about it in my new collection SEVEN. I was devastated and believed myself to be a failure. Our society deems success to be in what we "do" rather than who we "are." I still think my suffering in part was due to my going against the grain of where the universe wanted me to be. I wanted to teach and that drove me to remain in a field which is not where I belonged.

Part of being ill, is being willing to ask for help, to accept health, which is also frowned upon by our capitalistic-marketing-ownership-for-profit society. I am not equating poverty with being ill, but in my own case, illness is tied to ambition, career and "success."

This is not to say that people who are poor aren't doing what they are supposed to be doing, but it's more about an inner struggle to find peace where we are at. Also, as I write, I am working things out in my own head, but being a failure may just be the best thing that has ever happened to me (in terms of having a "career"). It's difficult because now when people ask me what I do, I may say something like "write" or "I'm taking time of from teaching to write" and so forth. This seems to unnerve some people in that I am not "doing something for money"--because money is what career is essentially about in our society. Going further I would say that money is what our society has become to be about. Who has it and who doesn't have it, but letting go of that desire for financial success can be such a relief it is unbelievable. I am blessed that I've been able to almost let go of these societal norms about making money. Poor but blessed.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 04:42:00 +0000

Went to the Denver Zoo today and had a good time with my friend who is hilarious. I usually feel very sorry for some of the animals, but today, it was okay. They are safe from predators and many have been rescued from the wild. In any case, it was fun.

I finally bought THE GIFT: Creativity and the Artist in the Modern World by Lewis Hyde. Margaret Atwood says, "The best book I know for talented but unacknowledged creators..."

So far it is about gift-giving culture in various tribes and in various stories and myths. Basically the idea is to keep the gift moving and not hoard it or use it merely for consumption and profit, so it is refreshing to read. I hope it helps me feel better about my anonymity when it comes to poetry. Yet, I am very, very blessed to have a new book on its way soon. It has been added to Small Press Distribution and Amazon, but it will take a while to appear in catalogs. Very excited. I have a couple of readings scheduled and it sounds like there will be a book launch in Denver.

I'll post more information later about readings, plus Amit Ghosh is designing a website for me which will list readings and events.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 01:56:00 +0000

I and I- Bob Dylan. I haven't heard this song since I listened to my old vinyl copy a long time ago. Read interviews with June Jordan and Loiuse Gluck in POETRY IN PERSON: Twenty-five Years of Conversation with America's Poets ed. by Alexander Neubauer, which I still consider a find at $4.98 at the Tattered Cover. The main thing I keep coming back to as I read these interviews is that the conversation about poetry really hasn't changed that much since 1978, 1979. Poets were still concerned about first person I limitations, marginalization, collage, fragmentation, ellipsis, politics and external and internal landscapes. I really do like these interviews which were done by a woman named Pearl London. London was the daughter of M. Lincoln Schuster, cofounder of Simon & Schuster. Poets would bring drafts of their work to class and discuss it, as well as answer London's questions. I find each interview helpful in that they make me more thoughtful and reflective about what it is I'm trying to do with my own poems.

Gluck's comments on moving away from the depersonalized voice. That she wanted to move away from communication of the self. She states, "No, no, not communication of the self, that's not what I want. The issue of ego is a sensitive one. I think that most contemporary poetry is horrifically disfigured by it. The territoriality in most poetry that goes out to claim "my pain," "my father," "my mother," "my past." There's a swagger in it that offends me greatly. I would like to write poetry that was intensely personal and seemed absolutely devoid of egotism."

Again, I find myself thinking about trauma, and how it is personal yet non-personal and dissociated. I can't therefore quite agree with what she said, but I understand what she meant by egotism in a poem. But for working with trauma, there is a necessity to find oneself, one's ego if you will, to help others who have been traumatized (I mean by a life-threatening situation or violence).

June Jordan was interesting as well. She was bold about African-American poets needing to defend their work, but what I found myself most interested in was her references to Rilke and how she saw Rilke as one of her favorite poets. She specifically addresses Rilke's address to a young person who feels they have lost God. She says Rilke responded with "You are God" and she ties this to women in South Africa. This type of empowerment is important to me as a person who has experienced the shock of trauma. I think it is a means of expression or communication. And as Jordan said, "When I write poetry my purpose is to express myself, about whatever it is, to as many other people as possible."

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Thu, 21 Feb 2013 05:14:00 +0000

I asked 3 questions of 3 Latina writers at the HerKind blog here.

I've been reading Pema Chodron and hopefully learning a lot. Trying to learn about radical acceptance and "maitri"-- The complete acceptance of ourselves as we are. "Trying to fix ourselves is not helpful. It implies struggle and self-denigration...Does not trying to change mean we have to remain angry and addicted until the day we die?...Trying to change ourselves doesn't work in the long run because we're resisting our own energy. Self-improvement can have temporary results, but lasting transformation occurs only when we honor ourselves as the source of wisdom and compassion." She talks about a practice called Tonglen which I am going to try to implement. It is difficult as I often have an "us" and "them" attitude about things, but the basis of all of this is compassion for oneself and others. When one is traumatized, it is difficult to have compassion for oneself and therefore others. Also, interestingly regarding forgiveness, she says one must forgive themselves first. Overall, I like this book better than the first one I read by her which came highly recommended. Not sure why this one isn't the one recommended. I guess I like it because it is more hands on regarding how to practice and implement these things.

I've been reading some Czeslaw Milosz poems, so far specifically dealing with poetry and poetry in Poland. He has one Ars Poetica which I read. Also, I found a book at Tattered Cover for 4.96 called POETRY IN PERSON: Twenty-Five Years of Conversation with America's Poets edited by Alexander Neubauer. It is very interesting. So far I've read interviews with Philip Levine, Louise Gluck, Robert Hass, Muriel Rukeyser and Maxine Kumin. The two most interesting for me were the ones with Levine and Gluck. Levine talks a lot about Detroit and his love for the people and factory life there, in terms of both not being a "nightmare" for him. This was compelling as I feel similarly about El Paso, Texas. He talks about his twin brother and how that comes to play in a poem. I like that these interviews took place in 78' and 79'. The Gluck interview was probably the most interesting read for me. She talks a lot about white space and silence. Also, she mentions things like ellipses, collage and fragmentation, which I would have not ever expected from Gluck because she is labeled as "mainstream." So these "new" ideas apparently were being knocked around in 1979. The Rukeyser one was probably the most unnerving for me to read. I found her somewhat bitter and haughty, although her poem was the bomb!!!! So, poets can be flawed individuals which is a good thing since I am flawed, but I'm also precious ;)

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 06:55:00 +0000

It seems the times are changing. My friend Janet Gates used to always say, "the one thing you can count on is change." She passed away in 2008, along with my friend Sharon, who used to say, "all you have to do is get through the day." I am proud to have dedicated my collection SEVEN to these beautiful women who died too young.

The times are always changing, and today the "browning of America" is in full force. I think Richard Rodriguez first coined that term. Speaking of changes, I have always struggled with my own identity. Culturally I was confused. My adoptive step-father wanted to beat the "hispanic" out of me. He tried very hard to instill shame about identity. I never knew my real father until I was 35 I believe. I count the women in my life my cultural makers. And yet today, being Latino/a will soon be being in the majority, so yes, times have definitely changed, but there is still a long way to go, at least in some instances. People are still rebellious about the variances of culture. They are still reactive to the celebration of diversity. They are still hostile to cultural pride. They still see things as pure or impure, culturally one must be "authentic" and this term in and of itself is charged. What does it mean to be authentic?

I was raised when I was very young on the U.S. Mexico border by a grandmother born in Mexico. Does that make me Latina? I was charged and political throughout graduate school because there was such resistance to anything deemed "political" in art. Does that make me Latina? Overall, I'm tired of struggling with these issues and have decided I define myself. Note I am not even touching "Chicana" or the preferred "Xicana".

But the rage for La Raza isn't with me most days. Although I nearly blew a gasket reading what an old grad school colleague (?) wrote about the inaugural poem by Richard Blanco. So, I am full of contradictions and know only that everything is constantly changing, and surprising images bombard us daily.

Today, I read a bit of TRES by Roberto Bolano. It was pretty good. I enjoyed it. The speaker speaks of the text, which I find very post-modern adopted. The speaker seemed to write in an autobiographical manner of being without a Visa in I believe Spain and being poor at 28. For some strange reason this gives me hope. But poor at 48, oh I just don't know. Our culture judges our status by our economic value, our monetary power. I'm losing that battle gladly, although there are anxieties about the future, but I must stay grounded in the now.

I bought 3 books today. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE: EMBRACING YOUR LIFE WITH THE HEART OF A BUDDHA by Brach, THE PLACES THAT SCARE YOU: A GUIDE TO FEARLESSNESS IN DIFFICULT TIMES by Pema Chodron, and a book of interviews of twenty five poets titled POETRY IN PERSON: Twenty Five Years of Conversation with America's Poets.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 04:57:00 +0000

Reading Chomsky on Anarchism. In the first essay titled "Objectivity and Liberal Scholarship," Chomsky slams what he calls "the new meritocratic elite." He is speaking about intellectuals and scholars. He writes the following about the danger he sees in both. What is most interesting is he wrote this essay in 1969.

"Free institutions certainly exist, but a tradition of passivity and conformism restricts their use-- the cynic might say this is why they continue to exist. The impact of professionalization is also quite clear. The "free-floating intellectual" may occupy himself with problems because of their inherent interest and importance, perhaps to little effect. The professional, however, tends to define his problems on the basis of the technique that he has mastered. and has a natural desire to apply his skills...." And later, "These various factors-- access to power, shared ideology, professionalization-- may or may not be deplorable in themselves, but there can be no doubt that they interact so as to pose a serious threat to the integrity of scholarship in fields that are struggling for intellectual content...The danger is particularly great in a society that encourages specialization and stands in awe of technical expertise. In such circumstances, the opportunities are great for the abuse of knowledge and technique..."

He feels that intellectuals, due to these things, are moving closer to the center of power. He feels that the specialists and experts have become involved in "special government undertakings" and he suggests that these intellectuals that are application oriented have access to "power, prestige and the good life." He gives lots of examples, mostly about the Vietnam war.

Again, maybe I am misreading. but I found his criticism of professionalization and specialization very interesting. Conformism, I see as an essential factor in a academia. Perhaps when one has the privilege of tenure this is less likely. Yet schools I attended and worked at in both Colorado and Texas were quite conservative in terms of conformity. The nature of these academic institutions seemed to lend to a bland conformity and an unwillingness to speak out against injustice, even so far as a desire to impose injustice on anyone who didn't fit the mold. This was often true of "creative" writers. There was a model or a "school" which needed to be followed, and if one did not fit this "school of thought" they were booted. This is dangerous for poetry. But poetry is, I hope, beyond the confines of academia. Although I would say that there is access to "power, prestige and the good life" in an academic setting. This is one reason I am skeptical of academics who speak on such issues as "labor." This position of mine for today at least, I do not believe it is anti-intellectual.

*

Last night I threw my knee out and I am in a great deal of pain and can barely walk. I see a doctor tomorrow. Wanted to go to the emergency room, but my medicaid was cut since I am no longer on Aid to Needy Disabled but have received social security. This is strange. Now that I've been deemed disabled, I have no health insurance. I've arranged to be in the medicaid buy-in program which is part of Obama care for the disabled from what I gather, but it doesn't start for a few months. There's a great deal of irony in the system. One does not receive medicare until two years after one has been deemed disabled. Luckily, I don't have a life-threatening disability.

*

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 06:49:00 +0000

My book is going to the printer next week. Yay!

I think it will be with Small Press Distribution. I feel good about my press. Seriously. I feel very good about this press.

*

Need to work on the next one now, and I have to confess, the last few weeks I've been lazy. It was my birthday today, and I feel sometimes that I am moving very slowly as a poet-- perhaps too slow. I am coming up on 50 in a couple of years. And it's too easy to compare ourselves to others, especially those younger than us who steamroll through book publishing like it's easy. Sometimes those that are younger can irritate us too. LOL! But we all go at our own pace as writers and people, and our lives come with difficulties, challenges and heartbreak. But overall I am filled with gratitude at this wonderful time in my life. I have time to write, a roof over my head and am finally coming to terms with limitations, as well as potential. Sometimes I reflect on the past with a great deal of regret, but I am learning to move forward, to stay in the now. It's a difficult lesson, but one that matters.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 20:14:00 +0000

I am thankful to have witnessed Richard Blanco deliver his phenomenal poem at the presidential inauguration. It gives me a lot of hope for our country, our people and our progress.

I feel better too, about community, and recognize that gender gaps I see, are in large part inflamed in my own mind due to my past. I am very consciously aware of gender differences and sometimes this is a barrier as I am suspicious of what I view as the patriarchy. There is still a ways to go regarding this reality. But my own issues with abuse and power in regards to men has me too inflamed at times. It is a non-issue for some women, I recognize. Yet, I sense there is still a ways to go regarding gender gaps, respect and equality. When I was teaching, younger women that were my students often expressed disbelief in gender inequality. I think this is in large part due to a belief that they would be treated as equals in the workplace. Similarly, some people argue that now that we have an African-American president, issues of racial inequality are ridiculous. But my observation of anti-Obama advocates in Texas, shows me we still have a ways to go. And it was wonderful to see Obama addressing the issue of gay rights in this country too!

I experienced a great deal of gender bias in grad school, where most of the students in my PhD program were male. The sense of authority and entitlement that came with being male, in my opinion, was often similar to that same sense of authority and entitlement that came with being white. So overall, I am somewhat suspicious of male privilege. This is what I think I was wanting to say before, but couldn't seem to come up with the right words.Chicano men sometimes do not realize that they too can contribute to the old patriarchy.

Despite so many past concerns regarding gender bias, and what I believe to be real-life experiences of injustice, I have hope that things are changing. As a woman who was sexually abused as a child, my sense of gender based inequity is charged. I am a firm-believer in gay rights, but I would say that being gay does not preclude one from being patriarchal.

*

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Fri, 18 Jan 2013 03:14:00 +0000

Writing here and there in utter obscurity. It's an interesting journey. Posted stuff about status anxiety and nobody on facebook seemed to have taken an interest. It was a philosopher named Alain de Botton,
and he discusses society's need for and belief in success. The myth that America is a meritocracy is examined. Someone today said I was successful. But I have taken De Botton's version of Rousseau that one can either want more money and more success or lessen her desires and therefore find happiness or "success." I am learning to chose the latter. But yes, the poor are blamed for being lazy in this country. Some who profess to support Latino/Chicano lit won't have anything to do with someone who is on disability. De Botton calls such people snobs. There are a few of them. No, maybe it's more a sense of not knowing what to say. I hope this is the case and that I have personalized some rudeness.

My sabbatical may be lifelong. There's always hope for recovery, yet this need and idea that success makes us happy runs through our society like acid. I have had to accept limitations and career path has stalled due to the reality of illness. It is hard. But healing is necessary. The book grapples with illness and recovery. So many do, but I feel this one deals directly with PTSD and the shock of violence. I really should read that book by the poet who spent time in Iraq.

Amit is designing a website for me. I think he will do a good job. So despite obscurity and a bit of anonymity in the big city, I am feeling free. Mostly I feel free because I have time to write. Travel money is another matter. Yet one need not travel too much to write. I have traveled a great deal in the past. I will likely go to Albuquerque for a reading, maybe Taos and will set some local readings up as soon as the book is out. I really still love the cover.

Back to isolation and obscurity; maybe everyone in the arts feels this. Our society is all about consumption, "hustling," and getting ahead. I think maybe there is something to slowing down. Yet I have to confess to getting in a hurry, but at least I have 3 poems that will be published later down the line. And this need to "succeed" can eat at us. Poetry is at best a quiet thing, a musical thing. I don't know what it is, but it is freedom and will. It is us grappling with humanity, what it means to be human, invisibility and loss and praise. I need poetry I think.

I am thinking about writing 3 reviews, but I simply can't begin to do so until March. Interview questions I've asked three Latina writers will be coming out in Feb. and of course I will link to them here and on fb and twitter. It's the name of the game, but a game doesn't seem to level up or create a new plateau?

Facebook is growing a little old. I feel that I will post book cover down the line and promote the book, but I'm finding it for the most part quick and shallow. The more flippant and outrageous or outraged the better. Someone dies that people don't even know and they are all over it praising the person, joining those that truly mourn. It's not bad to offer condolences, but on fb it's like everyone wants to jump on the bandwagon. It doesn't always seem sincere.

Maybe I'm just in a bad mood tonight. Maybe its the neo-conservatives that sometimes post pro-guns, pro-God in school, in other words my family. Ugh. Maybe I just need to stay away from the sway and swagger of success when it comes to writing poems and "hustling." I want to see beauty. I want to see depth and not repetitive posts, that seem sometimes to almost shout out the agony for success we Americans are bred to pant after.

The blog is more of a journal, a notebook for me. Facebook of late is a jumble of tid-bits and braggings, and of course I too engage in the "marketing" and the "networking" as one must, but I need a break from the "news" or the "gossip." I hope to write this weekend, spend time with some friends, remember and praise myself. Yes, you heard that right. I'm going to praise myself. I'm going to have compassion for myself and perhaps then I can learn to have compassion for others. I have a long ways to go, but I sense that I will never write well if I spend too much time playing a game. Some balance is necessary and a good game is healthy. I just sense some have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. I don't want to sell my soul, but all the capitalist crap about success runs through my veins too. So I'll post this and move on to the next thing, however small, however obscure.

We never know the future. Only today. And today I had something to say. A vague need to be heard which opens itself up to a great silence. A silencing? No, it's more of a breath. I am learning to breathe and poetry is, I agree, breath. There is no language, no sound, only the limitations, the fact we are spinning small on this blue planet in insignificance, and the game is indeed, just a game.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 05:27:00 +0000

So happy Richard Blanco was chosen as the inaugural poet. It seems things are changing in this country, and I am so glad to see it.

The Richard Blanco appointment makes me very happy. It has taught me a valuable lesson. The cream does rise to the top.

*

Tomorrow I go the the "On Becoming Van Gogh" exhibit at the Denver Museum of Art. Very excited. I'll take the bus to avoid the ridiculous parking charges there. I actually sold three pieces of my art-- very much a beginner but it was exciting, and my one piece was one of 24 chosen from 180 submissions, so I feel good about utilizing my creativity and working hard on improving with oil and chalk pastels. I saw recently on facebook a piece that Picasso did in pastels. My God, it was fantastic. So I am truly a beginner but it is exciting to work at it and see improvement from year to year.

*

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 05:31:00 +0000

Reading BASIC WRITINGS OF NIETZSCHE. Presently BEYOND GOOD AND EVIL. Skipped "The Birth of Tragedy" as I found it difficult and somewhat dull. It was of course about literature.

I like BEYOND GOOD AND EVIL immensely, but the part where he challenges and questions various philosophers is a little difficult. Some are not so difficult, where I am a little bit familiar with the philosopher. This from many, many years ago when as an undergraduate I was a philosophy minor.

If anything this whole phase of reading Nietzsche has reminded me of the importance of reading "outside" of poetry. This is not to say I shouldn't read poetry, but that I should expand my interests. Reading Nietzsche helped me write the poems in the collection I am currently revising. I sent it out, but reality tells me it will more than likely be rejected (aha! I have caught myself! No more of this crap. It will be accepted in time because it is good!). His propensity to argue the "will" with a "ruling thought" and what I am in my own way interpreting as confidence. He is wild, unruly and poetic.

"It is almost always a symptom of what is lacking in himself when a thinker senses in every "casual connection" and "psychological necessity" something of constraint, need, compulsion to obey, pressure, and unfreedom; it is suspicious to have such feelings-- the person betrays himself. And in general, if I have observed correctly, "the "unfreedom of the will" is regarded as a problem from two entirely opposite standpoints, but always in a profoundly personal manner: some will not give up their "responsibility," their belief in themselves, the personal right to their merits at any price (the vain races belong to this class). Others, on the contrary do not wish to be answerable for anything or blamed for anything, and owing to an inward self-contempt, seek to lay the blame for themselves somewhere else. The latter, when they write books, are in the habit today of taking the side of criminals; a sort of socialist pity is their most attractive disguise....the fatalism of the weak-willed embellishes itself surprisingly when it can pose as "la religion de la souffrance humaine (the religion of human suffering), that is its "good taste.

He is often out there, wild, willful and like Zarathustra certain of some sort of superiority. For some reason, this outlandish confidence appeals to me. Perhaps I am reading Nietzsche through the lens of someone who has, due to trauma, been weak-willed, uncertain and brooding. Freud, I believe said Nietzsche was noble. And I do find it noble to be self-assured. I find this "will to power" that he talked about in THUS SPOKE ZARATHUSTRA appealing. So it's likely in some ways I am misreading, but I believe even misreading can be a healthy thing at times.

Nietzsche's sister misled people to read Nietzsche as an anti-semite, and for many years his work was used by the Nazis, based on his writings. The introduction of this book discusses how Nietzsche is often misread, if not read in his entirety.

In any case, I am hoping to read more. I still have the Chomsky books to read, which a friend said, are difficult. But I think a book on anarchism will do me some good. :)

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 22:56:00 +0000

Beck-The Golden Age

Recognizing more and more that things are going well. I need to stay in the here and now and go with those who actively support my work. I need to be in the present and not worry. I feel confident that SEVEN is a good book. I feel confident that my third collection, secretly titled is also good. I am blessed to have time to write, and I will and can work with those who have a common goal for their own work, whether it be in the community or on the page. But my community is essentially all around me right now. I need to recognize and support them--those with truly generous spirits. I am finding they are often less chest-beating than other people who talk about being community supporters who don't seem to be. Appearance vs. Reality. I know who supports the work, the hard work. Canto Mundo was a fantastic experience, and I feel I was lucky to meet some wonderful writers who aren't into playing power games of machismo, masculinity and arrogance. They are simply writing, and I must say, they are writing well, which is a goal of mine. I am going to live in this moment. They also support a larger cause, and really truly support it. It is something to state something and another thing to truly believe and act on it.

I met some good people at Canto Mundo, and I feel that they are seeking more, being more. So blessed to have made some solid connections there. Genuine "connections." Not mere faking support and pompous arrogance-- thank God! Need to move beyond the past desire to be part of a clique- a small tiny clique that leads to nowhere. I'm into the here and now where people spark and sizzle with true tenacity, eagerness and generosity. Don't tell me you're fierce if you are a lion for destruction and causing hurt. Don't tell me you are fierce in political action when you merely are misogynistic, hateful and arrogant. From now on, rather that getting upset about it, I'm moving on into the light that is true community. And there is peace in that.

I'm here in El Paso, Texas and I'm going to make the most out of these last few days. Looking forward to going back to Denver. I have a ticket to the "On Becoming Van Gogh" exhibit at the Denver Museum of Art. Very excited to see the exhibit as many have spoken highly of it. Let go of those who we expect generosity from, who are not generous. Let go of such expectations. Find your audience. Find your community. They might not be who you think they are. This I am learning. This is the now.

A true generous and community spirited individual is designing a website for me, and he has a large vision for building connections that are solid. I admire his work because he is a good writer and a good spirit. No chest-beating, no treachery towards hurting others. It's about the writing. It's about the now. I will let go the past. I will no longer expect support from those who are only interested in their egos.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 02:16:00 +0000

I was young when I left home-- Bob Dylan

Sent my third manuscript to a publisher. Suspect it will be rejected, but you never know. I will continue to work on it and send it out. It may take years, but I might be pleasantly surprised. I sent SEVEN out three times. I am lucky. I am blessed. I think the actual process of writing matters. It helps me survive. Lots of people say this, but some despise such psycho-babble. I will return to Denver on the 5th.

Largely, poetry, the writing of it is insignificant. There are more important things in life. Of late, I feel past trauma has left me somewhat throwing myself into writing, despite the reality of obscurity and isolation. Regrets over what can't be changed regarding the past personal issues need to be ignored, and this moment now is what matters. It's all we have. Maybe that's in part why I write here, to flesh things out, to move beyond mere talk about writing.

Nietzsche at one point of his writing career was frustrated with his publisher. He felt that there was no promotion of his first books, and that it was not distributed to bookstores, yet later, he simply says, "...Namely, one simply does not want my literature and I-- may no longer afford the luxury of print." I think this is a fear of many writers, at least it's a fear of mine. Overall, we struggle in isolation, in loneliness. I recognize too still, that many who speak of community are nowhere to be found when difficulty comes in one's writing career. Everybody loves a winner. Nietzsche in some ways was deemed a loser. He quit his professorship and lived isolated and poor in the mountains with poor health. He was at odds with his colleagues. His love life was problematic. Yes, he broke down at the end, and one has to wonder about this. So much to speculate about it. But in the end, his works are revered and read by many long after his death. He went against the grain. He challenged the conformist thinking of the past duality of good and evil. He pronounced that God was dead. He was bold, nervy and obsessed.

Finally, I think it is okay to question the status quo of "community," and to challenge conformist ideas of what it means to be part of a community, which in itself is a vague concept. Smaller, more localized communities seem more practical to me. Workshops and genuine meetings about the work over coffee seem much more rewarding than trying to fit into the murkier world of national "affiliations" which are considered to be allied and supportive. For the most part, they are not. Friends and people in proximity are more likely to spur the writing on with encouragement and that ever so elusive faith. Publishers and editors and the relationships we build with them seem so much more important than the mysterious community. Yes, communities that are "in person" are more real. Networking is mandatory, but it can be of genuine interest and a shared love of literature. I have written reviews and I feel this is helpful and communal, yet there is still that safe distancing that propels us to write.

Kierkegaard supported the individual. He said often "the crowd is untruth." For some reason, I sense this is correct, despite everything else that's currently going on in poetry. This is one reason, I selected to have no blurbs on my next book. So much is about proximity, and this in and of itself leads to disparities in what's called po-biz, but somehow looking at Nietzsche and Kierkegaard helps.

A friend saw that I'd been reading Nietzsche and said laughingly, "I hear reading him messes people up."

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Fri, 28 Dec 2012 07:04:00 +0000

Wow. Tonight, after a real major flop of communication regarding a reading in my hometown, I am thinking about how difficult it is to write poetry. To be a writer of any kind is a difficult road. I've often thought too-big a part of poetry these days is about where you've gone to school and or who you know, but lately, I am thinking about how communities are built oftentimes through our mutual isolation and loneliness as writers.

El Paso. Wow. What a love-hate relationship I have with you! So often I want to move back and live here on the border with its dust-bowl days, but then I return and the lack of organization and potential poverty turn me off to living here. I miss my family terribly, but sense I am better off staying in Denver, despite the snow and cold.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Mon, 17 Dec 2012 05:28:00 +0000

In 2008, PTSD finally caught up with me. I have been in recovery ever since. I think my forthcoming collection, SEVEN, from 3: A Taos Press addresses much of this journey, yet it is still a journey I am on, and it is one that may likely take a lifetime. Trauma takes hold and it is difficult to overcome. Struggles with anger in the past and anxiety in the present have shaped much of my writing life. Anxiety that I am not good enough stems really from the past, and one must let go that past and embrace the present. Anger and anxiety, it seems were on some surreal pendulum. In some ways though, this difficult journey has made me a better poet. I am often in a place of ambiguity and uncertainty, and the hyper-vigilance in my daily life has, I would like to think, helped my writing. Why? Constant awareness of one's surroundings is a good thing to have as a poet. At the same time, prior to 2008, I lived in an amnesiac state in many ways, where life was a fog. So tonight, I felt like writing about this journey. The new poems I am writing and putting into a third collection also deal with trauma and recovery. This is not to say I don't care about language, compression, music, imagery and movement. I do, but I care about trauma and how it effects people. It is devastating. It is ruinous in terms of one's relationships and one's self-image. Somehow in some small way, I want to make a difference when it comes to understanding this and helping others who are struggling with the same difficult journey. Writing is one way to do so.

Lots of talk regarding the politics of writing-- ie: marginalization, race, culture, ethnicity, oppression etc, yet the trauma I write about is violence towards children and women, and I am not doing this in some abstract distanced manner. I still think sometimes a first person poem is necessary because the content demands it. Form is to content as content is to form as someone once said. An anesthetized poetry of separateness from the self seems troublesome if one is writing about trauma. Yes, there is cultural and economic trauma in this society as well, but personalized trauma can not simply be dismissed in art.

PTSD is a serious illness, but healing and recovery are possible. I have to believe this. I am still on the road to recovery, and I see writing as a means to that recovery. These things were very uncool to various poetry professors I've had, but somehow I doubt they had ever been severely traumatized, though prozac jokes were common. So my writing, at least in SEVEN, is inherently political because it deals with trauma, both cultural and personal I believe. I do feel it is a good book despite my tendency to be hard on myself. Yes, I think it is good and this is precisely because it deals with the harsh realities of traumatic experience.

This Beethoven piece I have linked to is for me a new beginning in terms of my writing and my journey towards healing. A moving past the initial safety and mourning stages of PTSD. One never really breaks completely clean of these things, but one gradually moves on to wholeness or fulfillment with one's daily activities. I need to stop being so hard on myself, embrace my talent, yes, even say I have a talent. So many are confident, assertive, self-assured in their talk of poetics that sometimes it's kind of sickening. Young men who are not yet really published assert their opinion staunchly regarding poetics, so I'm going to go ahead and say what I have to say as well.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 05:24:00 +0000

Today I spent time proofreading SEVEN and will send a few changes to my editor soon. I also sent some poems to magazines. Sigh. The difficulty of doing so is getting harder the older I get. Seriously. But I will keep believing!! Yup. I need to work harder on the poems. Just keep revising. Just keep going. One foot in front of the other. One document in front of the other. One line in front of the other. One poem in front of the other. Will send some more out after I type final edits on SEVEN. It's quite long. It came out to 118 pages, of which about 93, I believe are text. Yay! This surprised me. It's hefty. So, I need to knock these edits out of the way and continue working on poems for the third collection. Crazy into poetry these days. It helps that I am not working. I some days drain myself revising, and yet the work seems so clunky at times. Much work ahead.

noreply@blogger.com (Sheryl) — Thu, 06 Dec 2012 18:57:00 +0000

At home relaxing in my mother's house. Trying a little self-promotion on facebook and it sometimes makes me uneasy, even queasy. Anyone from El Paso's lower east side knows that bragging isn't a cool thing, but alas this is the corporate, capitalistic way to "success." Ugh. What is success anyways? A child of the eighties, the "me" generation, I was immersed in the cult of success, and here I am at 47, soon to be 48, quite "unsuccessful" in terms of income, prestige and power. I feel lucky. I wish we could eliminate this need to succeed at every turn. Freedom, it seems may come when we let go these foolish notions of success. It's difficult when we are feeding wounded psyches through this need to be fulfilled by external forces, rather than being fulfilled within ourselves as we are.

This missing core, the damaged self, seems to want to pump itself up with acceptance and even praise from others. We must, in the end, praise and celebrate ourselves. There is this notion I think that people should behave certain ways online and in public, but the fact is there are very damaged people in this world. Recently people have been hyper-critical of a poet, a Pulitzer Prize winning poet too. They use words like "paranoid" and "unstable" to describe him and when people seem to sympathize with him, I understand why Nietzsche despised pity. They say most poets have been hurt or damaged in some way, and I think poetry by its very nature is about a person's need to have a voice, to be heard, and nowhere does that spring forth more than from a difficult and alienating childhood. I sense have a lot in common with this despised and now pitied poet.

Secretively, I cheer him on at times because I understand the rage, the feeling of outsider, the frustration with not being heard. And more importantly, I agree poetry has all too often become an insider's game, an academics game, a game of who-knows-who, but today I have hope! Hope because I sense most everyone is feeling the same way no matter the amount of their "success." Even a Pulitzer Prize winner gets fed-up with the goings on in Po-biz. I think most poets feel themselves outsiders to a degree. I think people
are focused so heavily on the mental illness of said poet, they cannot see the forest for the trees. It's true that unseemly behavior is uncool, but there is indeed, in my opinion a whole lot of whopping truth about what this man said. This is of course true in part because I am not in academia, and have never really been "accepted" and this stirs those feelings of shame and alienation.

This need to have a voice springs forth from having been silenced, and this too can happen culturally. Being of mixed-heritage makes it even worse I think because one can not fit in either culture or ethnicity. One is always at odds with "success" and "fitting-in". This is why large groups of Latinos band together in poetry land. It is necessary. And at times, unseemly behavior seems necessary, but of course diplomacy is what's needed? Sometimes I think diplomacy has Latinos getting crumbs from the literary world. Not only crumbs, but stale crumbs. When the likes of big name poets only know one Latino name, we have a problem.

Overall, my wandering through the field of self-promotion has me still feeling awkward, foolish etc. But one must press forth and shout out one's "successes" from the rooftops? I'm not so sure. I have to think further on this. There still, it seems to me, seems something unseemly about the whole thing.

I am very lucky to have a supportive editor and a supportive press at this point in my life. It was very much needed. Now, I will look through the mock-up of the book and press forward. All is well. I am very blessed when this book comes out, and I have to not let the fears of invisibility overrun myself. Be still. Meditate on the good things you have in life I tell myself. There is so much to be thankful for here and now. In my hometown the weather is phenomenal. Now, I think it's time to get to work.